Diane Feinstein's recently released report on controversial CIA interrogation practices indicts, not only the Bush administration, but also all previous administrations going back to the controversial leader of the Franks, Charles Martel, and his victory over the moderate Muslim community at Tours in 732 AD, which can only be described as a gross law enforcement misconduct and hate crime.
Citing inside information from medieval Latin and Arabic sources, the report prepared by Feinstein's staffers details a shocking degree of intolerance and Islamophobia on the part of Charles Martel's administration and the army of Franks, who countered the peaceful expansion of moderate Muslims into Europe via Spain with such violent hatred that historians suspect could only be explained by racist motives.
"Clearly this was racial profiling on part of the Frankish administration," determined Yale historian Dr. Hussein al-Isis. "Franks and other white Europeans were simply uncomfortable around brown Middle Easterners, no matter how harmless their intentions."
While mostly white contemporary historians crowed about a "Christian victory over Islam," understandably bitter and disaffected members of the Muslim community, victimized by Martel's extremist policies, were compelled to fend for themselves while retreating through the Pyrenees shouting, "Hands up, don't spear me!" and "Death to Infidels!" Through no fault of their own, villages were plundered and citizens killed by some of the elements within the otherwise peaceful group of Muslim protesters, who became radicalized as a result of racism and gross civil right violations.
"I was disgusted at what we uncovered," said an indignant Senator Diane Feinstein. "Instead of empathizing with the Muslim community and hearing their side of the story - instead of trying to find common ground and a mutually acceptable compromise through interfaith dialogue and negotiations, the bigoted leader of Franks chose to kill the Muslim leader, Abdul Rahman al-Ghafiqi."
"For this sickening display of barbarism," added Feinstein, "he received the nickname of Martel, meaning 'the Hammer,' and has continued to symbolize the greatest threat to world peace and harmony until his title "the Hammer" was passed to the Republican leader Tom Delay.
"We have only ourselves to blame for this mess," opined foreign policy expert and former presidential candidate, Ron Paul. "If Martel had not unilaterally meddled in Middle Eastern affairs, then there wouldn't have been any of that blowback. The fact that Islam was spreading by violent conquest a century before the Battle of Tours is a direct result of Martel's misguided foreign adventures."
At a White House press conference, President Obama informed reporters that "I just found out about the Battle of Tours while watching History Channel, and let me tell you, nobody is angrier about this than I am. I have asked our outgoing attorney general, Eric Holder, to immediately investigate Martel's activities, to get to the bottom of this issue, and if possible, to take legal action against Charles Martel and the Frankish Kingdom. We will not rest until we have a conviction."
Nevertheless, the president did appeal for restraint. "As you protest, you're probably thinking like I'm thinking: this is the result of over a millennia of documentable Islamophobia. You know, this touches me on a personal level: Abdul Rahman al-Ghafiqi looks just like Michelle with a beard. This isn't just a Shia problem, or a Sunni problem, or a Sufi problem, it's an American problem. While I understand the rage, the calls for Jihad, the desire to impale all white Christians and burn down their churches, let's everybody stay calm and let social justice take its course."
Meanwhile, protesters holding posters of al-Ghafiqi were blocking major highways in large cities across America, and NFL players were seen charging onto the field, then collapsing and shouting, "Hands up, don't spear me!"